Saturday, April 17, 2010

About done

I finally let go and had a meltdown tonight.  It was the napkin drawer and then the sippy cup drawer that did me in.  Weird.  There are so many memories here.   Napkins are the kids' chore.  They get them out and put them on the table.  The napkins we have are threadbare and stained.  I threw them in the garbage.  It was very hard to let go of that pile.  Then looking at the years of pacifiers, worn out cups, lids that have teeth scrapes and the seals.  Memories there too.  I chose what to keep and what to throw away.  I gave a few to my sister.

Then my husband called.  And he doesn't understand what this is like at all.  Normally I can roll with that.  We think differently.  That's what makes us work well together.  But my emotions just couldn't take the sadness and loss anymore.  I had to hang up with him and then proceeded to bawl my head off. 

My poor little Ephraim is the only one here with me tonight and he came running in, saw me and freaked out.  He's never seen me cry.  I don't cry.  I will occasionally tear up.  Sometimes I get so angry I will lightly cry.  But I don't meltdown, ever.  The last time I can remember uncontrollably crying was when I was pregnant with Isaac ,and it was over a sad novel about a pregnant woman who's baby died.  That was 5 years ago.

I'm not sure if I've helped with the goodbye process since my emotions aren't so bottled up now, or if I've opened the floodgates and I'll be a mess tomorrow.  We're telling both sets of parents goodbye.  We've already said goodbye to Dave's brothers family.  Sunday will be goodbye to my sister and her family.  Then we're on the road.

I know God has wonderful plans for us and I  am excited.  But the logistics and change of all of it make it seem impossible to get through.

I keep envisioning my poor sister and parents having to go through what's left at my house and deal with the loose ends.  I feel horrible about that.  I hate what this is doing to them, even as I struggle to deal with it myself.  I hate it and I can't wait for it to be over.  I'm praying for peace and strength for all of us over the next few days.  They are going to be some of the hardest we've faced.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger though right?  Isn't this called something like "trial by fire"?  I'm so thankful we have the Lord to lean on here.  I'm not sure how I'd survive without Him.

I'll hopefully post a positive update in a few days.  I'm not sure what the computer time is going to look like while we're on our road trip.

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